X-posted from FB. I prefer comments on FB, but if you want to have a rationalist-flavored discussion, comment here. I'm also not totally sure this is on topic, but I figured I'll error on the side of over-posting. I do think this is very much related to instrumental rationality.

I spent June 18th-25th doing a retreat at Mount Madonna Center. Below are the highlights / insights sorted from object level to intellectual to spiritual.

1) The retreat center is very nice: they provided good food and nice housing, so there was very little I had to do: just show up. This made is extremely relaxing, and next time I'm going to take a vacation, I'll very likely do another retreat rather than consider traveling.

2) The center itself was bigger than I expected. It had a feeling of a small village.

3) Everyone was super nice (both in my group and at the center). I made instant connections and it felt great.

4) Dried lavender smells amazing.

5) Three buckets of alignment (applicable anywhere you have feelings, from picking a house to picking a partner):

a) Suffering: things are completely misaligned. Pain body meets and reinforces another pain body.

b) Ill-alignment: "Yeah, this is okay. I can work with this. We can get thought this. 2/3 isn't bad." (For most people this feels pretty good. But we can do better.)

c) Fulfillment: 'cup overfloweth' kind of feeling. "Oh my god, I thought I wanted that, but I want this thing right here. It's so perfect. And it has this, this, and that, which I didn't even realize I wanted. Hallelujah!" (I'm sure everyone has experienced something like this, so just remember that moment.)

6) True fulfillment looks like fulfillment in the moment, not "this is okay right now, but will eventually lead to fulfillment".

7) You can have fulfillment in everything. It's not easy, but that's where you want to move. The first step is to notice and admit when something is not fulfilling. It doesn't mean you need to immediately rush in to fix it or throw it away. Just notice and admit. (As soon as I realized this, I immediately admitted to myself that my current project is ill-aligned.)

8) Realization and Actualization are different, but often conflated, especially when it comes to enlightenment. Realization is the highest point you've ever achieved / seen. Actualization is taking that insight and applying it to your life.

9) Becoming more awake makes it easier to see suffering / misalignment within yourself. Sometimes when you make rapid progress, it might bring up some blocked/repressed pain to the surface. So you get better, but for a while you feel worse. You can also see this pattern globally: as the world gets better, smaller negative events suddenly take the main stage.

10) Fear comes in many forms. Fear holds wounds in place. Fear limits the limitless. Fear choose and propagates fear. Fear is never going to know it's okay. It's never going to say "I'm done now." Fear has a story to tell you:

* I'm not safe

* I don't belong

* I'm not good enough

* I can't be loved

* I can't be heard / seen

11) My personal variation: I'm not special.

12) There are many other variations. Don't listen. Fear is lying. Let it go. You don't need it. It's not helping.

13) Awareness is like hiding in a tree and looking at the enemy army marching below. Fear is like someone sitting next to you on the branch and yelling: "Oh my god, the enemy is down below!"

14) Kiran Trace, who taught the workshop, has an unusual background (lots of abuse and personal trauma) and her entry into enlightenment was sudden and unexpected. She is not part of any lineage and has a different approach to teaching. Her style of meditation and teaching includes aspects that are very applicable to day-to-day life and have quick results. (This is very different from practices like Vipassana that take a while to show results.)

15) We did about 2.5 hours of meditation a day. Meditation steps: a) focus on the sensations of the body, b) focus on the sound, c) enter the stillness, d) go deeper.

16) The entire time you quiet your (small) mind. Be very present with the current moment. Just rest your awareness on the object of meditation (body -> sound -> stillness).

17) The stillness is extremely healing. It's spacious. It's calming. It has always been here. It's full of life and love. Often fear masks and distorts it. It's a place full of clarity. It's easier to see the answers.

18) As you get deeper you eventually find the sense of divine presence. You could call it god.

19) The first time I did this meditation, I didn't have any preconceived notions about what to expect, so I easily followed the instructions. And I got all the way to the end. And it felt so good and so healing that I ran away. I ran because in that light all the fears and the pain became obvious and they started fighting for their lives because they were melting away. And it hurt. And I was not worthy. And so I ran away.

20) As Kiran said multiple times throughout the retreat: the first time a person meets god, they run away. But then it just hurts even more.

21) My current definition of enlightenment: automatic and unwavering acceptance of each moment in its entirety. Full enlightenment is also permanent.

22) A few days in, I had a temporary experience of enlightenment. It felt timeless, radiant, easy, obvious, clear. It had all the things I described above.

(*Temporary* experience of enlightenment is an oxymoron. So this was obviously not it. But it's the closest I've come to experiencing it.)

23) Overall, it seems like the stages you go through in Kiran's meditation are very similar to concentration meditation jhanas. I've reread MCTB's chapters on that, and it seems to line up. I'm planning to spend a few weeks doing concentration meditation just so I can compare the experiences directly. (In particular, I'm curious if my enlightenment experience was just one of the jhanas.)

24) My new mantra / goal: "effortless acceptance and compassion."